Wednesday, 15 February 2012

I cannot force YOU to LOVE me better

These past 2 years, my brain is in hiatus. Not working on  any meaningful thoughts but merely surviving the days and nights. As I looked back on what has happened, it is clear that understanding LIFE'S content is never easy.

Do you feel my longing for love Mama? I know what you did for us to survive alone without Papa and your best to take care of us ( me and brother) but no matter how much I do now, it is still not enough to make you love me better. Why?

I wished you can also love me the way you care for Kuya, that you will not waste a minute to comfort his needs which as always, I ended up giving so you will talk to me more. I felt, I am paying for the time you should have for me, that is how desperate I am to please you.

I don't want to sound bitter, but I guess I am. I masked my emotions towards your bias love because I thought I can understand better. But when I got pregnant and had my baby...I long for you, no one will teach me better to be a good mom than my own but you said, my brother needs you more and I have a husband who can be with me, get some help ( you mean pay someone to help me ).

It made me sad at night and think through out what I have experienced just to get you to care. After your chemo, your operation and kuya's suicide attempt, I think, I need someone to hold on too. I was wrong to think time will bond us.

Now that I am a mother too, I want my daughter to feel the love I am supposed to have. I overwhelmed her with kisses and hugs, I play with her more and smile every time.

I cannot tell you all of this things because it might hurt you, so I have to write it down at least so I can release the pain of being a distant child.

I do not know what I have done wrong but may be this is just how life is between you and me.

You are old already and I am too. I want the time left to be memorable. I just want to let you know, I love you Mama. I really do.

I may not see you again. I am a thousand miles away from you. I am not saying I will stop caring but I think It is time for me to let go and let it be.

In another time, another life, I wished you could love me more because after all, I am your youngest and only daughter.


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