Goodness, my last blog entry was way back 2013. A lot has happened during those times. My daughter is now turning 7 this June and in grade school. I am a proud mom of an intelligent little girl. She was awarded as the Most Outstanding student in KG 1 and passed her exam here in UAE to accelerate to GRADE 1.
We stayed for almost 4 years in The Philippines and last year April, we moved back here in Sharjah. We came back because I have CANCER. I was told, its in stage 4 and my doctor's advise to enjoy and have a quality of life for there are no more test and procedures that can be done for me. I got a slapped in the face of reality. It was hard to accept but I prayed for guidance. I needed to bring Raya back to her Baba, she needs her family to be complete now. I came from a poor and broken family. I wished I could give my daughter the best in life but God has a different plan for me, I hope it is better.
I sounded like broken, I really Am. Literally, my heart is, and now my breast. I thought I have everything in place but you see, life has so many up's and downs, turns and curve that at most times..when I am lost, I sit quietly to level my head with a plan.
Life is full of colors.
Sometimes it's Blue and Pink.
I lost my small store, got diagnose with Breast Cancer, loosing my hair, tired most of the time, struggling financially, and has been cheated upon. I do not know how to start my story, I just know, I needed it to end.. the pain perhaps.
I sell online, up to midnight, to help support our finances, even though I wish to go back to my normal 8-5 desk job. (how?) I do not have time to sleep well, constantly worrying about my daughter's future if I am gone. Since, I am not insured, I do not have savings, I worry about her so much. How she will be if I suddenly die? I fight for her, we sing our FIGHT SONG! She knows I am sick, She was with me when the doctor gave me the BIG C diagnosis, with me while I have my scans and her little heart was worried for me, I was never alone..blessed her little helping hands.
WHY DO I SELL OR WORK STILL?
I wished to just relax and have it all fed to me but like all of you, CANCER PATIENT or NOT, still we need to pay our bills.
I apologized, If you are reading a sad story, no D.I.Y projects to share today for I think I have my brain and my heart somewhere around the house and I cannot find them.
My dear husband has lost his way, too many problems maybe or just because he no longer needs me.
I am in pain, but I am not allowed to show it. My days are chaotic but I still function like all moms should be, "in a hurry''. I do not have time to think of ME just them. I wanted to feel I am still okay, not the broken person so I polluted my brain with task to do. Its exhausting, and stressful.
I have never felt this kind of pain but being cheated upon made my life even depressing, I lost so many good days with Raya. How could he just let me feel miserable while I am in pain already. He cannot wait for me to die and replaced me. I was told I have 6 months to live but hey its been a year and I am still alive, I eat healthy, drink herbal medicines. He is supposed to be happy that I am here..instead I feel this constant pain in my heart for what he has done. He must have been stoned that I outlive the 6 months marked.
I resent him for that, I wanted to break away from his chain, this marriage, divorce can be the solution but my little one is already worried about loosing me..so I swallowed my pride and stayed.
You needed to know even if you didn't asked I have loved him with all my heart, but when I found out he kept money secret away from me while I needed surgery, I just stopped talking. No more hugs and no more wife duties. I felt betrayed, he could have save me, but he choose to kept the money in Iran without telling me. If by chance it was him who is sick, I would push mountains and even sell my kidneys just so he'll lived. He doesn't love me, that is for sure.
REALITY.
July 7, 2017 that day I found out about his mistress. My world just turn from BLUE to BLACK.
He lied, I forgave him but I cannot forget. I will never be the same. I felt like I am a cigarette that someone has tossed in the pavement and put off by stepping on it several times.
DREAMS.
I have so many, but I will be honest. I wanted to be rich. Before I die, I want not feel this sickening feeling of worry of how to put food on the table. I grew up poor but proud that I can work hard and earned a decent living. But I stopped working 10 years ago, I dream of being rich so that I know how it feels to be able to buy for my daughter without struggle and save up for her.
It is a dream, so I am honestly telling money is the first thing I asked. MY LIFE expectancy, is not that long so for the remaining days of my life I want to be RICH. More money means I can help my family. No need to asked from my husband, not to worry my 20 dirhams will not last.
If I have the money, I would go to the best Doctors, find a solution for my sickness, best food and nutrition. We can TRAVEL and make memories for RAYA to keep.
WHITE.
I needed peace. I want to stopped worrying, crying and fight. I asked that if I cannot be given happiness from within, at least give it to my daughter. Let her be healthy and happy.
Today, is full of colors.
I gave him a chance, I am stupid I know. Knowing you are dying gives you a different prospective in life. It makes you humble, and pulls you closer to family. I hope one day, when I am gone, He will be able to find a good lady that can be a good mom to my daughter. If not, I will make sure they will hear it from me in the after life.
Be kind, there are a lot of bad people around us already. If you are a girl, young or old have your two lady parts checked. Do not cheat, it breaks a person's heart into million pieces. Say Sorry, it won't kill you.
Please do not forget the people who loves you, life is short.
Always,
Margot
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